Navigating Thanksgiving on the Eve of Cancer Surgery: A Guide to Support

Thanksgiving is a beloved holiday, rich with family gatherings and the warmth of home-cooked meals. But what if your host, your 80-year-old mother-in-law, has been diagnosed with cancer and scheduled for surgery the day before Thanksgiving? How do you balance your responsibilities and show support without overstepping?

Considering the Decision: Is It Wise to Stay at Her Home?

Given the circumstances, it's perfectly valid to question whether you should stay at your mother-in-law's home for Thanksgiving. If she's not expected to be home, there's no need to make a special trip unless she specifically invites you. However, if she is home and you're concerned about her well-being, a thoughtful approach is essential.

Check In, but Stay Brief

Call her first to gauge how she's feeling. If she sounds tired, express your concern:

"I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing."

Ask if she would like a brief visit, and stick to it. If she seems reluctant or overwhelmed, respect her wishes and leave. Remember, she's probably managing a lot of stress and emotions.

Supporting Her Emotionally and Logistically

Conventional holidays like Thanksgiving are deeply entrenched, but this year might be different. Consider focusing your efforts on supporting her in a more tangible way:

Prepare Her Home and Food

Instead of going to her house, you could offer to:

Shop for groceries and prepare meals so she won't have to worry about food. Run errands or help with tasks that would normally be on her to-do list. Stay with her and assist with any preparations or care.

By taking these steps, you reduce her stress and show your commitment to her well-being.

Offer Your Emotional Support

Avoid making the visit lengthy, as she's likely balancing significant emotional challenges. Instead, focus on:

Listening without offering unsolicited advice. Sharing memories and laughter to lighten the mood. Showing empathy and understanding.

With the right balance, you can provide the support she needs without overburdening her.

Respecting Her Limitations

Be mindful of the extra pressure hosting can add. If she is up for having guests, let it be a regular dinner. If not, consider an alternative plan:

Postpone your holiday celebration for a few weeks. Host your own Thanksgiving meal at home or opt for a restaurant experience.

Let her know that you're understanding of her situation and are willing to adapt your plans accordingly.

Planning for the Future

No one can foresee the future, but it's helpful to acknowledge the potential for change. Support her with:

Advice on preparing for the surgery and recovery. Resources for support groups or counseling. Demanding empathy and patience from your family.

Remind her, and yourself, that Thanksgiving is a time for family and food, not stress and worrying. Keep the laughter and old memories alive, and ensure that emotional comfort is a priority this year.