Do People with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Often Lose Friends and Family Members?

Yes, individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) may often find themselves losing friends and family members due to their behavior. This is a common challenge many people with BPD face. Specifically, three key aspects of BPD criteria can contribute to this issue: unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, affective instability, and inappropriate intense anger.

Understanding the Impact of BPD on Relationships

BPD is defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) (American Psychiatric Association, 2013), which outlines several criteria including:

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluationAffective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood, such as intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety, usually lasting a few hours and rarely more than a few daysInappropriate intense anger or difficulty controlling anger, including frequent displays of temper, constant anger, or recurrent physical fights

These symptoms can drive away people who are close to the individual with BPD. For instance, the swinging between idealizing and devaluing a relationship can be extremely distressing for others. Affective instability and anger can also make it difficult for family and friends to maintain close relationships. The result is often a series of on-and-off relationships, where people feel betrayed or misunderstood.

Personal Experiences with BPD

As someone with BPD, I have experienced these challenges firsthand. My experiences reflect the typical patterns described above. I have lost many friends due to my unstable emotions and constant crisis modes. My subtype of BPD, often referred to as a quiet or passive-aggressive BPD, meant that I was more likely to break off friendships due to my inability to handle the intensity and closeness associated with them.

During my teenage years, I was profoundly difficult to be around due to suicidal ideations, delusions, and codependency. My first best friend distanced herself from me, and this remains one of the most challenging separations I have experienced. During these times, I found myself withdrawing and spending more time on my own. I often broke off relationships before they could become toxic, as I was unable to handle the intense emotions involved.

Some of my friendships that lasted longer became more dramatic, but I eventually resolved to end them before they completely consumed me. I currently have a few stable friendships, but they are not intense. We meet regularly but not every week or month. These relationships work best for me as they help me stay independent and rely on my own support rather than putting all my hopes and dreams into one person.

Impact on Family Relationships

Regarding family, I am usually the one who chooses to distance myself. I have close family members who suffer from narcissistic and histrionic traits, so I tend to avoid being around them. My other family relationships are generally good. BPD is mostly expressed internally in my case, so most people do not know about my struggles. I never openly attempted suicide, hid my self-harm well, and did not get into heated arguments or messy situations. The push-and-pull dynamics due to my inability to decide if I want someone close to me often make people back away. I withdraw often, spend time on my own, and rarely reach out for help.

During crises, I tend to isolate, and most people only become aware of the situation when I have a complete breakdown. This makes it difficult for people to fully understand me. Only a few people in my life truly know me and can provide support and compassion.

Living with BPD

Despite the difficulties, I am generally well-liked amongst coworkers and other groups. However, I am not usually around long enough to establish any friendships. I have worked hard on my BPD, participating in therapy and counseling, and taking medication to manage my symptoms. As a result, I have managed to minimize the impact of my disorder on others, but this has also meant neglecting my own needs.

I am currently working on building a network of people who truly understand what is going on with me and can provide support and compassion. This is a continuing process, and I am committed to making it a reality.