Autism and Love: Understanding a Neurodiverse Perspective

Do you believe that those with autism are a different species, incapable of feeling regular emotions like love? Such questions often come across as offensive, assuming a monolithic understanding of autism that does not acknowledge the richness and diversity of experiences among autistic individuals. While it is true that love can be a highly personal and subjective experience, understanding how autism might influence this can shed light on a broader perspective of what love means beyond neurotypical (NT) experiences.

Autism and Love: A Polyamorous Perspective

When discussing autism and love, it is important to recognize that love can manifest in various forms even within the autistic community. I, for example, am polyamorous. I believe that love is not a one-time occurrence; it is a capacity that can be experienced in multiple relationships. To impose limitations on love, such as loving just one person at a time, would be akin to asking someone with many children to identify which one they love solely. It reflects a narrow perspective and a biased view of love.

Autism adds layers to the experience of love. For me, love can take different forms. The love I feel for my child is absolute and unconditional. Nothing can compare to this kind of love. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, my experience of love is different but no less profound. I am in a relationship, and I love my boyfriend. I have loved others in the past, and I may find someone else who I love but this does not diminish the love I currently feel for my boyfriend.

For me, love in a romantic context is not finite. It can evolve and adapt over time. This understanding challenges the notion that love is a fixed entity, a commodity that can be wholly devoted to one person. Just as diverse experiences of love exist among neurotypical individuals, so do diverse experiences among autistic individuals. Grouping the experiences of autism under a single category would be ignorant and dismissive of the nuances that make each experience unique.

Personal Insights: An Autistic Journey

I have personal experience that aligns with my broader understanding of love in autism. When I was diagnosed with autism at 75, I spent 75 years believing I was a neurotypical individual. This journey taught me that understanding and empathizing with different experiences are crucial for building a more inclusive society. Love, in its many forms, is a deeply personal experience, and it can unfold in unexpected ways.

For me, the experience of falling in love can be slower and more deliberate. Trust is paramount, and this often takes time to establish. Smell, a detail that might seem trivial to neurotypicals, can play a significant role in my romantic experiences. A compatible scent can enhance the connection, adding another layer to the emotional and sensory experience.

Once I fall in love, my love tends to be near-unconditional. I am patient, loyal, and forgiving. However, boundaries are important. I will not stay in a relationship if I am mistreated or disrespected, but this does not mean I will stop loving the person. The intensity of my feelings might diminish, but the deep-seated love remains. Just as in other relationships, this love is a powerful and enduring emotion.

Moreover, I recognize that different people base their understanding of love on different criteria. What may seem like unconditional love to me might be viewed differently by others. Not all men, for instance, might act on their words of love in the same way. Such variations highlight the complexity of emotions and personal experiences.

The Asexuality Debate: Love and Intimacy

It is a common misconception that all autistic individuals are asexual. While some might identify as asexual, there are many who do feel a strong sense of sexuality. For me, sex is important and enjoyable when I trust my partner. Over the years, life experiences have made me more cautious in trusting others, but the importance of sexual intimacy remains a significant part of my life.

Understanding and embracing the diversity of love experiences among autistic individuals can enrich our collective understanding of what it means to love and be loved. This journey is ongoing, and each individual's narrative contributes to a more nuanced and inclusive perspective on love in all its forms.